I'm booked for the next month. This weekend I have work so I can earn some extra cash. The next weekend I'm going to my friend Emily's school's play, Julius Caesar. The weekend after that Liz and I are going on a camping trip, which I can't wait for. The weekend after that is Sara's b-day and the reason why I'm making money this weekend.

I was posting in an extended discussion forum on one of my sites and someone had posted a link to this story. I think it makes a lot of scence and teaches a good lesson. Even though I don't believe in heaven or hell it's still a good lesson in my opinion.



"The Difference Between Happiness and Suffering"(Two Dining Rooms)


Long ago there lived a boy who learned about heaven and hell while working hard at learning the Buddha's teachings. He meditated in the front of his Buddha image, wondering "What is hell like? What is heaven like? I want to know more about the difference!"

That night, he dreamed of a Buddha. "Hello, little boy," the Buddha said to him. "You asked to know more about heaven and hell. First, I will show you hell."

In his dream, the boy was taken to a blue door. As he got closer, it opened without a sound. He carefully stepped through the door, and inside was a dining room. He saw a beautiful table with delicious-looking dishes of meat and fish and piles of fruit spread all over it. It was the most wonderful feast he had ever seen.

"How could this place be hell?" the boy wondered.

Then, suddenly, appearing out of nowhere, ghosts began to gather. Restless and impatient, they were unhappy and scary-looking. The boy had never seen anything like them before.

When all the ghosts were finally seated, they picked up their chopsticks. The chopsticks started to grow, becoming longer and longer and longer, until they were all a yard (a meter) long. The ghosts tried to eat with their long chopsticks, but they couldn't. Even when they could pick something up, they couldn't put it into their mouths. They tried again and again, but it was no use. Frustrated, they started getting upset and fighting with each other.

Suddenly, the back doors of the dining room opened, and a large gaping black hole appeared. Mealtime was over. The ghosts were still very hungry, but they disappeared into the dark hole.

The Buddha turned to the boy and said, "You look so sad. Now let me show you the dining room in heaven."

Quietly, another door opened to a dining room that looked exactly like the room in hell.

"What's the difference?" he wondered. Just then, happy-looking people started to quietly gather around the table. "But how are they going to eat with those same long chopsticks?" the boy asked.

After sitting down, the people began picking up food with their very long chopsticks and, instead of trying to feed themselves, they began putting the food into the mouths of the people sitting on the other side of the table. They took turns feeding each other, giving the other person whatever they wanted to eat. They enjoyed the meal so much!

"You see," said the Buddha gently, "the rooms are the same. It all depends on your heart. Your kindness makes heaven."

The boy nodded and said, "Thank you so much for showing me the two worlds. Now I understand. The difference between heaven and hell is in the hearts of people themselves!"

The Buddha smiled and said good-bye to the boy, just as he awoke from the dream. But he never forgot the teaching, and helped many other people to find the difference between heaven and hell.

1. It's funny how now that I'm finally happy no one else is.

2. I love Liz.

3. She loves me.

4. Daniel needs to shove his foot into his fucking mouth because I didn't sleep with Trish and he needs to get off his high horse and mind his own fucked up business.

5. People need to stop spreading lies.

6. I never told anyone to keep Trish away from Liz.

7. Fuck you all.

8. Thank you to those who actually do care.

9. I did tell Jellie to distract Leslie so she and Liz wouldn't meet because I didn't want any more drama or awkwardness and I was afraid of how Leslie might act.

10. Fuck you all some more.

11. I'm sorry to Emily, Sara, and Liz for causing all this.

12. I love Liz.

13. I hope this all blows over soon.

14. Yes, Liz spent the night and, no, we didn't sleep together.

15. I would say I hate my life but there's at least one good thing going in it right now.

16. Seriously though, fuck you all to hell.

17. Stupid drama.

18. I kept my promise and watched Leslie's performance even though I was pissed at her.

19. I love you Liz.

20. Sara can be mad at me all she wants.

21. For those of you who aren't to fond of me and want something to use against me go ahead and print this out cause I really don't give a flying fuck right now. Show it to whomever you please.

22. People need to confirm things with me before assuming they are true.

23. Yes I know, I'm a hypocrite.

24. I know I have more to say I just can't think of it right now.

25. Liz and I are together now.

26. People are fucked up.

27. I'm hungry.

28. I'm going to shoot the guy who beat one of my best friends with the butt of an M-16.

29. Yes, if you couldn't get it through your thick skulls before, I am pissed off.

30. I quit for now. I might have more later.

Does anyone know what it's like to have 2 girls in love with you and be in love with a completely different one? And the one your in love with is in love with some other guy that doesn't even care about her. This is my situation. One girl who lives far away is in love with me. Another is in love with me but she's dating my best friend. Before they were dating I slept with her. I care about her but not in that way. And the one I love cares for me, we can never go to sleep without saying goodnight to eachother but she's in love with some otehr guy who is dating her friend. The one that was far away didn't tell me how she felt before she moved. I knew she felt strongly for me and subtlely tried to get her to admit it before she left but she didn't. I knew that I had potential to have strong feelings for her but I wasn't about to let them grow if she couldn't even admit hers. I told her that I would wait for her but she told me not to and never told me how she felt. so I didn't wait for ehr. So I met this new girl and the day after the girl that moved finaly told me only after she moved. But now I've found someone new, and I never let my feelings grow for her because it would be to hard. I had already had a profound connection with the new girl. So I tell the one that moved that I couldn't love her and I had a lot of thinking to do. I told her that there were a lot of complications and I would explain everything to her in November when she came to visit. Then I met this other girl. We'll call the one that moved girl A the one that I met after her girl B and the one after that girl C. So I meet girl C and we started talking building a very friendly relationship. We began to care for eachother and be there for eachother during some pretty tough problems. and then I slept with girl C. And then girl C started talking to my best friend (who is lesbian by the way) and they end up dating. So my best friend says that her and girl C are dating but I can still have benifits with ehr. So all was well and good. Then I decide that girl A and girl B deserve to know so I told them. Girl B didn't mind and girl A didn't seem to mind but she really did. Now girl A is saying that she never really loved me to make herself feel better. I guess that's alright for her I just want her to be happy. And girl A thinks I'm a whore because she thinks I was going to try to sleep with her when she visited even though there's still these 2 other girls. But what she doesn't know is that I had no intention to do anyhing with her. Sure I joked about it but so did she. I was gonna tell her everything but now everything has gone to hell in a handbasket. I told girl B that I was in love with her and I already knew she loved some otehr guy that didn't love her back. Evidentally she knew that I loved her before I knew that I loved her. I didn't lead anyone on because I only told one person I loved them and was truthful to all the others. Everyone just misinterperated my words. When I said, "I can't say that I love you," I think girl A took it as "we might get together later after you come back." But that's not the case. I'm in love with someone else. But now I'm all of the sudden a whore. Girl B seems to be the only one to completely understand. She sympathises for me because she know's what I'm going through. We run parallel to eachother. She's in the same situation I am. We're there for eachother and I think she's almost ready to accept the fact that the other guy isn't coming back to her. He told her that he never really cared for her. She knows I care for her and she says that she doesn love me in a way. So now I just have to set things straight and hurt a lot of people by telling them that I'm after girl B. Not A or C.

I met this girl on Sunday. Her name is Liz, she's 18, and she goes to RCC. She's awesome and we have a lot in common. Not just little stuff either, like deep dark secret stuff. But the thing is that I met her through my friends Emily and Sara. I've been in love with Emily and she knows it. Though she does not feel the same way and we could never be together. So I move on so life doensn't move on without me. I met Liz and we really hit it off at Emily's house, and Sara was there too. I wanted so much to see where things would go with Liz but I knew Emily and Sara both would have a problem with it. So I climb up Emily's monkey bars to think and I look out to the sunset. Suddenly Liz climbs up and stands on the same bar as me facing me. We were so close I could feel ehr breath. I could also feel Emily and Sara's eyes glaring at us. I was trying to keep my distance for friendships sake. Liz kept on asking me what was wrong and and I told her I was thinking about stuff. What stuff I was thinking about I wouldn't tell her. So eventually we joined back up with Emily and Sara and I layed in the grass. Liz layed her head on my chest and it was a great feeling of closeness. We layed there and I gently stroked her hair while Emily and Sara talked off to the side. Then Emily's dad came out and said he could give me a ride home. We piled into the car and drove off. On the way to my house I got Liz's phone number. That night we talked on the phone till about 2 Am.

This is where the rant begins. I wold her what was bothering me.

I am alone and I always have been alone. No matter what I do and no matter how much people try to help I always end up alone. I've had to fend for myself most of my life and I have been stabbed in the back by everyone I've ever cared for. People who's lives I enter always get hurt by something stupid I do. My longest relationship was 3 weeks. Because there is always something in the way of me having a long lasting relationship. Whether it be distance, unrequitted love, or someone who just doesn't like the fact that I'm interested in someone else. People interfear with my life when it finally seems to be going good just to spite me. I hate it! I wish everyone would just fuck off! I hate it! I hate it! I wish someone would just shoot me! My intentions have always been good. I've had compassion towards even my enemies and everyone takes me for granted. I hate it! And Liz is like me, she thinks she can help everyone and anyone. But no one can help me. I even convinced her of this. The people who actually do want me to be happy are highly outnumbered by the people who want to make my life a living hell.

But that's what we talked about. I was somewhat happy just to talk to her. but of course there are things in the way. Like some other guy she is "talking to" and how Emily and Sara want her to date him instead of me. Sara did this when I met Emily. I'm destined to be alone and that's all there is too it. Not one person has been able to proove me wrong. Not Liz, not Emily, not Jellie, Kat, Alex, Mike, Kristen, Candace, Amanda...no one. No one can proove me wrong because I am right. I'm to be alone and I hate it. That's all there is to it.

I don't think Liz and I are going to end up together. And to think I gave up a lot just to even consider dating her. Turned down 3 girls...oh well. Life goes on. A lonely life goes on but it's a life none the less.

On the plus side Liz and I are going to the movies on Tuesday and camping in about a month. But time will only tell if that will actually happen. Doubtless SOMEONE will have a problem with it.

Fuck it...

End.